Sid Meier's Pirates!: Somali Buccaneers

Genre: Action/Adventure
Format: Most
PEGI: 12
Publisher: Neptune

I suppose that, in light of the ongoing worldwide news regarding these vibrant, Indian Ocean based rascals, this update of the classic Pirates! series was inevitable. The game has had some great reviews, so let's see if we can give it a big Jolly Roger, or have to make it 'walk the plank'.

The original Pirates! games were centered around the Caribbean during the golden age of pirates, this game is somewhat  limited by only featuring the Indian Ocean coast of Somalia (the feeding ground for these modern day 'black beards'). This reduction in the scope does not help the game. There are, however, lots of ports to choose from: Boosaaso, Berbera, Chisimayu, Merca and Mogadishu. These lovely places will soon become familiar to the ardent player.

Shiver me timbers, what a fine vessel!

Gameplay is similar to the classic games, except battling a US Destroyer in a dilapidated motor boat is quite a challenge and you are best to run to port, in true cowardly Pirate fashion, and demand an immense ransom.

Overall, not a bad game. I did miss the dancing, which was a major factor of the original games. Co-ordinating prayers to Allah is somehow just not the same...

VT Rating: 7/10

Highways Agency Simulator

Genre: Simulation
Format: PC
PEGI: 3
Publisher: Excalibur

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Ever wondered what it was like to wear a high-vis jacket and drive a gaudily decorated Highways Agency 4x4 around the UK's motorway network? No? Well this game is not for you. If you have, then you are in for a treat. Excalibur Publishing, purveyors of some of the most obscure simulation software ever imagined, have come up with a peach.

Sweep that glass up!

Sweeping up blood soaked glass, pulling over Eastern European lorry drivers just for chuckles, enforcing a 40mph speed limit because somebody threw a carrier bag on the carriageway - it's all here.


The game is so immersive, you'll be expecting a very poor salary at the end of the month and may well end up divorcing your wife.


VT Rating: 7/10

Imagine: Pope

Genre: Simulation
Format: Nintendo DS
PEGI: 3
Publisher: Ubisoft

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Following titles in this series such as Imagine:Family Doctor, Imagine:Movie Star and Imagine:Master Chef, we should have expected the arrival of this game. After all, what young boy (or girl) hasn't, at some point, dreamed of being the leader of the worldwide Catholic Church?

This game allows youngsters to experience all aspects of the papacy, including: the issue of papal bulls, the proclamation of beatification, state visits and, perhaps most entertaining, dodging deranged assassins in the Pope Mobile.

Don't speed in the Pope Mobile

Graphically similar to the rest of the Imagine series, this game is entertaining but will probably only appeal to children of a Catholic persuasion.

VT Rating: 7/10

The Adventures of Beatie The Hat

Genre: God Knows
Format: Nintendo DS
PEGI: 3
Publisher: Neptune

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Based on the forthcoming childrens books, by cash whore Sarah Ferguson, comes this very average game.

Embittered by the missing invite to the Royal Wedding of Wills and Kate, Sarah created this series of books based on the appalling hat that her daughter, Beatrice, wore to 'that' wedding. 

Dubbed Beatie, this spiderlike Hat 'character' gets into a series of troublesome encounters aided by her best friend, Pippa (who, suspiciously, looks like a hovering backside)

It's good fun.

VT Rating: 7/10

Fast & Furious

Genre: Racing
Format: Nintendo DS
PEGI: 12
Publisher: Neptune

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Another movie tie-in...yawn.


Hang on a minute, this is no ordinary tie-in. It's much worse than that.

Total Excitement

Neptune Studio's 'skilled' programmers came up with an idea, ran it up the flagpole, removed the flag and defecated all over it. This putrid canker sore of a game is the result.


Retailing at £39.99, we don't think it's really worth it. Wait a while and buy it used for £19.99.


VT Rating: 7/10

Navy Seals: Bloodbath in Abbottabad

Genre: Third Person Shooter
Format: PS3, Xbox 360
PEGI: 18
Publisher: A&E

Cover

HBO had the TV film in production within 24 hours of the death of Osama Bin Laden. It will be shown on May 25th and we wait for it with baited breath.


You can't argue with the cast: Hugh Jackman and Matt Damon as members of the elite Navy Seal Team 6, Robert Downey Jr as Osama Bin Laden and Colin Firth as Barrack Obama. It sounds really good. However, the game is a different matter...


Now, many people are going to want to shoot Osama Bin Laden in the head themselves, albeit in a virtual environment, so you cannot blame A&E for rushing this game into production. You do get to deal the fatal blow to the terrorist leader, so this game delivers in that respect. Not in many others though.

There he is! Kill him! KILL HIM!!!

Graphically, the game is generic. Shooting bad guys in poorly rendered corridors is the order of the day. Sound is, on the whole, woeful, but does boast some character voicing by the actors in the forthcoming film. Colin Firth as Obama, in the US Command cutscenes, is so bad he's good. Storyline, well you know what happened.


You might like this, we were not impressed.


VT Rating: 7/10

Burying Osama Bin Laden

Genre: Humour
Format: Mobile Phone
PEGI: N/A
Publisher: Kharma

An obviously hastily produced download for mobile phones, this app allows you to bury Osama Bin Laden in a variety of interesting ways.

It's just possible that Kharma had this application in production waiting for the inevitable(?) day when Bin Laden was killed by US forces. However, the graphics and production are simply woeful - design may have began about 7 hours ago.

If you think you might gain satisfaction from lowering the corpse of the recently deceased terrorist leader into a shark infested ocean or burying him in a rat infested cavern - then this 'thing' is for you.

VT Rating: 7/10

The Terror

Genre: Third Person Shooter/Real Time Strategy/Simulation
Format: PS3, Xbox 360, PC 
PEGI: 18
Publisher: A&E

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The lengthy historical novel 'The Terror' by Dan Simmons, which proffers a fantastical and horrific slant on the doomed Franklin Expedition, is brought to vivid gaming life by 'Obscure Novel to Game Specialists', A&E. 


Centred mostly around the two ice bound ships HMS Terror and HMS Erebus, the game follows the novel quite closely. You monitor the running of the ships, controlling rationing and dealing with potential mutiny whilst  keeping one eye on the menace that lurks on the ice: The Terror itself.


The Terror (not the ship) is a huge, shaggy Polar Bear type thing that turns out to be a demonic creature from Eskimo mythology called the Tuunbaq. There is no killing this monster, so when you control a member of the crew who is being menaced by it you have to try to hide or escape rather than fight. However, if you can muster enough armed crew you can scare the beast off with musket and shotgun fire.

Ice Master Blanky Chased Into the Rigging by the Tuunbaq (double click to enlarge)

The game is a mix of Real Time Strategy (the movement of crew, rationing and discipline), Third Person Shooter (not much shooting, more running) and The Sims.


Ultimately, the game is let down by the depressing subject matter. The crews of both ships eventually die and the only survivor (in the novel and the game) is Captain Crozier who 'goes native' with the Eskimo girl who appears early in the game and turns out to be the Tuunbaq's keeper/nemesis.


VT Rating: 7/10

Thieves Like Us

Genre: Thievery
Format: Various
PEGI: Teenagers +
Publisher: Not Known

Logo

Strutting straight from the feverish nightmare of a tabloid newspaper editor comes this new, controversial and immediately very popular website.


Thieves Like Us (or TLU as it likes to refer to itself) is a criminal's dream. Burglars (and potential burglars) have to only enter a few questions about their location and thieving skillset to be presented with a selection of properties that match their ability level and desires. Utilising Google Maps, the website shows the frontage of the property and the rest of the information (ingress points, hazards etc) is supplied by users and displayed on subsequent screens.

TLU Homepage - click to enlarge

The 'target' properties are (supposedly) selected on the basis of a complex algorithm that searches the database of previously looted properties and matches them against your selected criteria and skill levels. The database of properties is, reportedly, constantly growing thanks to updates from users who have logged properties that they have either burgled or 'sized up'.


The website also boasts a thriving and vibrant Forum where all manner of criminal activities are discussed, from burglary to shoplifting. It's all here.


Thanks to advertising, the website is free to use. Sponsors include Aviva Home Insurance, Yale Locks and Chubb Security.


We cannot see why anybody would want to use such a website, but if you are interested, check it out: www.thieveslikeus.com.


VT Rating: 7/10

Mission Creep

Genre: First-Person Shooter
Format: Various
PEGI: 18
Publisher: A&E

Cover

Most people will see this game as yet another Call of Duty clone. However, if you play the game, you will see that it has far less to offer.


You are Darryl Cameronian, head of a 'black ops -under the radar' type unit, who must rescue your friend Will Hagger from evil Librorians who have captured him.

Will Hagger Rescued?

The action is hectic and, sadly, generic; harking back to other games that were produced in 2003 and even in 2001.


Many people will want to buy this game, however, we at VT, cannot understand why anybody would want to.


VT Rating: 7/10

SentinelVisage

Genre: Facebook Analysis
Format: Various
PEGI: N/A
Publisher: SentinelVisage

SentinelVisage's Website

Since Facebook first appeared, users have wondered who was looking at their Wall, their information, their photos - basically, who was stalking them. Facebook have always insisted on privacy for all; despite many failed attempts to circumvent this policy. Now, thanks to Dutch outfit SentinelVisage, you can find out who has been spending strange amounts of time examining your profile. 


The software is downloadable via SV's website (see link below). The basic version is free but the all singing, all dancing version will set you back £29.99. Is this worth the money? Read on...

Free Version Info Screen

SV insist that their programming does break into the Facebook code and monitor profile views of a given account. Our limited testing shows that this is indeed the case and the fact that Facebook have begun legal action against SV adds legitimacy to SV's claim.


The free version of the software gives very basic information about each of your friends ventures onto your profile. The paid for version goes into much more detail: graphs of profile viewing levels, amount of time spent on each page etc - an anti-stalking dream.


See what you think by downloading the software at: SentinelVisage.Com.


VT Rating: 7/10

Séance

Genre: Simulation
Format: Xbox 360 (with Kinect)
PEGI: 18
Publisher: A&E

Cover

This has to be one of the strangest and most compelling uses of the bestselling Kinect device that we have seen so far. The warning on the cover of the game: 'Be Afraid', is completely justified if our experiences after reviewing this game are typical.


Game instructions state that you and up to three friends should set up a table in front of the TV, turn of the lights, place your hands palm down on the table, connect little fingers and get ready for the fright of your lives.

Some scary shit

The séance is conducted by the Xbox with a 'Medium' voice that is both eerie and hilarious in turn. You and your friends will be giggling like mad until the TV image of your little meeting shows that you have visitors from the astral plane. The sight of these entities lurking in a corner behind you or drifting across the table is quite disconcerting. 


After reviewing this 'game' we experienced some strange phenomena: doors closing by themselves, weird smells and red fluid pouring from our taps. We meet next week to discuss the need for an exorcist.


Play this game at your peril.


VT Rating: 7/10

Jamie's Dream School

Genre: Simulation
Format: Nintendo DS
PEGI: 3
Publisher: A&E

Cover

Released on the day that Mr Oliver's new show is premiered on TV, this game puts you in the role of a number of 'celebrity' teachers who must attempt to enlighten classes full of rebellious inner city teens.

Historian, David Starkey, gets his class to re-enact
Chamberlain's 'Peace in our time' speech

A&E have outdone themselves with this surprising title. Gameplay is spot on and will hold the interest of most pre-school children. After all, who wouldn't want to play as Rolf Harris teaching art, Tinchy Stryder extolling the virtues of poetry or as Robert Winston encouraging young boys to masturbate into a test-tube?

We also like the cut-scenes where the cartoon version of Jamie Oliver has an enormous rubbery tongue. Makes you wonder whether Jamie actually sat down and played this game before he agreed to put his name to it?

VT Rating: 7/10

Days of Revolution

Genre: Real Time Strategy
Format: PC
PEGI: 12
Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios

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This game seems somewhat rushed; the social unrest in the Middle East and North Africa began in December 2010 and here we are in February 2011 with the first game based on these unprecedented events. However, as RTS games go, this one is a peach. 


You play as the anonymous leader of protesters within your chosen country. All Arab nations are available for selection and they range in difficulty from Tunisia (very easy) to Iran (very difficult).


As leader of the desperate protesters you must gather your forces and take over the designated focal point of your chosen capital city. Once you have achieved this you must deal with hoardes of riot police, para-military, army and, in the Iran and Libya levels, airstrikes.

It's kicking off in Cairo

You have only a limited amount of time to achieve your goals and overthrow the various despots that confront you before the tide of local and Western opinion turns against you. Some despots, like Gaddafi (Libya) and Ahmadinejad (Iran), pose a greater threat than the others and are more likely to deploy deadly force against your democracy longing throngs.


Graphically, this game is nothing special and looks suspiciously like it's based on a much earlier RTS game about the planning of unrest in various cities... However, if you can get over the second-rate graphics you will be rewarded with a more than adequate gaming experience.


VT Rating: 7/10

Paul: The Game

Genre: Arcade
Format: Nintendo DS
PEGI: 3
Publisher: A&E

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are funny guys. Their movies and TV shows pay homage to and reference various pop culture phenomena. The game of their current movie is no exception.

What they have done (or allowed some programmer to do) is ported the old Atari ET: The Extra Terrestrial game to the Nintendo DS format and given it some flashy cutscenes (taken from the Paul movie).

However, the game is as fascinating and playable as it was on the Atari 2600, and you will be sniggering to yourself throughout as you marvel at how clever the Hot Fuzz boys really are. £27.99 is a small price to pay for this sort of ironic, postmodern genius.

VT Rating: 7/10